It's Been a While

So, it's been a while.. things have happened and things have changed and some things didn't change...

A quick breakdown would sound like this.. met an awesome guy.. fucked it up, met another awesome guy, moved too fast (got laid on 1st date) got scared, fucked it up... have 2 guys lined up and now I'm too scared to commit to anything.

I met this one guy online 3 weeks ago, he sounds perfect, he's closer to my age and he wants to just take things very chilled.. sounds awesome right... well I've been avoiding him for the last week.. simply because I'm too scared that I will fuck it up again.. and I really can't hurt more people at this point..

Work is still great.. meh.. which matters less and less these days..

I always thought I would end up alone.. and the reality is that is probably still gonna end up true.. but I haven't felt this alone ever.. but I simply cant get myself to make a connection with anyone... except with the ones I know I don't have a chance.. because that's some sort of safety zone I created for myself..

Oh, and I accepted a job at a new company.. the same place my ex co-worker works.. yep.. that one.

Ghosts From The Past

Even though I have decided to go solo for now and try to get my head clean, which isn't quite as easy as I thought, I'm still having a ghost from the past that constantly creeping up on me.

A couple of months ago, I wrote about my co-worker that I just cant get out of my head.. well, I thought that all of this was going to end after he left the company at the end of last month.. well, that didn't help :(

The more I think about this the more I think the reason for this is the way he carries himself. He carries himself in a way that makes the gaydar sirens go ballistic, and this isn't just me, everybody else Ive listened to have the same observation (gay and non gay), but unfortunately he's straight, have a lovely girlfriend and is very happy...

I think I'm just gonna stop here.. no idea what to make of these thoughts.

Single for now...

So, I decided that I cant handle the whole thing... the one night stand thing just freaks me out and dating... well.. let's not even go there... so until further notice I shall remain single and just try to sort my shit out to try and be happy... because at this stage, if I can just be happy that would make such a difference.

Cutie of the Week: Orlando Mangona

Enjoy! ;)

Late Night in the City

Sitting here, in front of my computer, at almost half passed one in the morning, I can suddenly remember why I go to sleep at ten, at the latests, these days.

I feel extremely lonely at night. This isn't something I experience during the day.. well at last not this badly. Its also not the type of lonely friends or family can clear up (and please don't think that I'm speaking about sex). I am talking about someone who I can share moments and feelings with, yes that someone special.

I'm currently thinking about getting professional help here because I feel that I'm getting more and more disenfranchised from real people every single day of my life.

I'm so tired of this...

All I want in life is to be happy...

Or at least for 1 day. I want to know what it feels like to be truly happy.

To be able to float through a day without caring about all the small things that seems to overload my mind on a daily basis.. the stupid things that doesn't matter, but of which I still can't seem to let go of. Its like seeing it all at once and that is simply too much.

I just have to learn to step back, to let go.. and to stop trying to hold on to my stupid little safety zone.

All I want in life is to be happy...

Emo Boys Kissing

Something I found on YouTube that might tickle your taste buds...

Non sexual, but extremely hot!