Late Night in the City

Sitting here, in front of my computer, at almost half passed one in the morning, I can suddenly remember why I go to sleep at ten, at the latests, these days.

I feel extremely lonely at night. This isn't something I experience during the day.. well at last not this badly. Its also not the type of lonely friends or family can clear up (and please don't think that I'm speaking about sex). I am talking about someone who I can share moments and feelings with, yes that someone special.

I'm currently thinking about getting professional help here because I feel that I'm getting more and more disenfranchised from real people every single day of my life.

I'm so tired of this...

All I want in life is to be happy...

Or at least for 1 day. I want to know what it feels like to be truly happy.

To be able to float through a day without caring about all the small things that seems to overload my mind on a daily basis.. the stupid things that doesn't matter, but of which I still can't seem to let go of. Its like seeing it all at once and that is simply too much.

I just have to learn to step back, to let go.. and to stop trying to hold on to my stupid little safety zone.

All I want in life is to be happy...

Emo Boys Kissing

Something I found on YouTube that might tickle your taste buds...

Non sexual, but extremely hot!

Romantic Movies and Stuff

I had a realization last night, and that is that romantic movies (old and new) causes this intense feeling of sadness within me. I want to say that I don't know why, but I think that I know exactly why this is.

I don't understand that shape of love or attraction. This is the same feeling I get when I see my co-workers and friends make comments about a "hot" girl that just walk past.

All of these every day things makes me feel like a total outsider.. I mean I don't even see how breasts can be sexy, like honestly I don't get it.. *sigh*

My one friend (straight) told me the other day that my sexuality is way easier than the norm because I don't have to deal with all the dependencies that comes with straight relationships and that two guys both have their own driving force that will keep them occupied and successful.

I just find it hard to accept while I always feel like and outsider. Maybe I must just change my outlook on the hole thing... or maybe I just need to get laid... hehe

Cutie of the Week: Ryan Carnes

Enjoy! :D

All work, no play...

Half passed twelve at night.. no end in sight yet.. This is why I'm not involved with anybody. I work way to hard and wont settle for giving somebody only 10% of my attention.

Financially the long hours is starting to show results and job security, but as I'm realizing more and more, money doesn't solve my emotional needs.

I need to start taking control of my life... the question is just how.. how do I start reducing overtime hours without looking lazy? Well, I think I will just ease into it :)

Oh yes, I found a new thing to add to the list od things I want Mr Perfect to be... He can sing like Nat King Cole... HAHAHA.. yeah right, like thats gonna happen.. but I can dream.

I must say.. I'm really concerned about how little gay Asian guys seems to be in Cape Town.

Poison To Myself

I just realized that I am poisoning my own mind with these thought of love for somebody that can obviously never love me the way I love him.

The big question is now just how to get over this, because the more I think about it, the more I feel like a total loser that will never be happy and better off.

O ja, I also decided not to tell him, because I value the friendship too much and I'm not sure how he will react to me being.. well.. me

I know a lot of people probably reckon that I just need to get laid and that will solve all my problems, but I'm not even looking for sex at the moment.. I'm simply looking for the security of being in a relationship with somebody I truly love and that truly loves me.

The Big Decision

As I have mentioned before I'm struggling under the fact that I'm completely in love with a straight guy at work.

I'm not gonna get into the details again, because to be honest, I really don't want to think about those at this moment, Its not a good place for me to be in.

The problem I'm having now is the uncertainty about what to do about this problem, because I'm so not changing jobs or doing anything gigantic and stressful.

A very good friend om mine (who is also gay) suggested that I come out to this guy, to just make the playing field more even, but I have my doubts about this, I'm not sure that this will accomplish anything beside maybe kill the friendship.

I think the problem here is the friendship, the fact that we are really good friends at work and that he works in the same department as me... I'm so confused at this stage... Ill have to really think about my next move, If any...

Cutie of the Week: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Enjoy! :)

This is how I know...

This is how I know that god doesn't exist... let me explain...

I am madly in love with a guy at work, I have feeling like I have never had before. For the 1st time in my life, I understand love songs... the good ones and also the ones about broken hearts.

I had a broken heart once before, but this is on a completely different level. I can't even put in into words.. madly in love but under a blanket of sorrow.

So why am I sad? easy... my coworker is straight and he doesn't even know that I'm gay.

Cutest guy ever... the way he speaks and interacts with other people, the way he carries himself, the confidence, but also the humbleness.. and the good looks doesn't hurt either.

Bringing me to my point about god not existing... How could a fair god allow a person to be gay and basically guarantee a life of pain and sadness? I don't know, it just doesn't make sense... it just doesn't make sense...

One Foot on the Outside

I'm Gay!.. there I said it. Now that we have the formalities out of the way, I can tell you the purpose of this blog. :)

Recently I have found that I use a lot of my friends' time complaining about things, about how messed up my life is (in a sort of "boy meets world" sort of way).

So the purpose of this blog is basically to have a let out point for all these feelings and questions.

I don't know if anybody is gonna read this, but then again, that isn't really the purpose of this blog. The only reason I do not make it a private blog is so that other guys in the same boat might find comfort in know they not alone with this constant feeling of not belonging.

Welcome to "The Closet Door" blog :)